i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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