drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
