I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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