Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Randomize
