just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
