if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
