Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I would fuck him just for his dog
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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