Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
