alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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