life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
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