Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
