It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
