i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
