you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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