So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
