he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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