Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
