Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
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