DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
My dick has a subreddit
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Randomize
