Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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