You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
