The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
What a dumb baby whore.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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