Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i just had sex bonerless
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
