he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Randomize