guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
