I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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