just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
