So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Randomize
