hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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