Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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