I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
