I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
