i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Randomize
