He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
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you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
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He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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