The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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