i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
as a side note pls kill me
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
