I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
