she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
