My room smells like vodka and shame
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
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