You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
