Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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