I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
