he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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