Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
