dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
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