why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I wish life had little blips of pornography
it's like iHOP with fire
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
