can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
