apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
