Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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