Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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