I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
