I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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