I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
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