I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
im on a boat
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