Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
