so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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