there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
